The stories of Miss Blanchfart, the butterfly pooper and Swan Queen
by LovingUkillsMe
Summary: Miss Blanchfart smells awkwardly and farts whenever she thinks that she's alone. She interrupts SQ sexy times and is even more annoying than normal. Regina wants to kill her from time to time. [Snow / Miss Blanchfart. Swan Freaking Canon Queen. Fluff. Crack. Sexy times. Fun.]
1. Miss Blanchfart's birthday

**A/N: This is A ****CRACK**** FIC! It's FUN! If you read anything that sounds weird, you probably just missed the punchline or it's really just weird. :P**

**Happy birthday, Ash M. Knight! :) I know how much you love Miss Blanchfart, surprises and birthdays, so this is for you *wink, wink. I hope it lights up your day anyway. ;) PS: GO CHECK OUT HER STORIES! She's awesome.**

**A huge thanks to Sultry Sweet who did the beta work! She's awesome, too. :) For the rest of my lovely readers and viewers (also the guests), I hope you enjoy it as well. Thank you for alerting me, reviewing me etc. I appreciate it a lot. **

**If you want me to continue this, feel free to leave a review or PM me. I have some ideas but you can also send me prompts.**

**HERE IT IS! :D**

* * *

**The stories of Miss Blanchfart, the butterfly pooper and Swan freaking ****_CANON_**** Queen**

**Miss Blanchfart's birthday**

**_At the mayoral mansion_**

Emma walked around the leather couch for what felt like the thousandth time while still contemplating about a nice present for her mother. Snow turned thirty-something today and the blonde would have nearly forgot her birthday if Regina hadn't mentioned it. Her dark-haired lover walked over to her and gave her a quick peck on the lips before she spoke up.

"How about an appointment at the hair salon?" The mayor winked and devilishly smirked at Emma.

"Seriously, 'Gina?"

The blonde gave her signature "what the hell" glare in return.

"What? Don't give me that look. I just assumed she misses her long, beautiful hair."

"Well, just because you miss it…"

Emma couldn't even finish her sentence before Regina already continued to speak in order to prove her point. "It did make her a whole new person."

"You wanted to kill her."

"Touché."

Regina embraced the other woman and laid both of them down on the coach.

After a while of making out, Emma breathed heavily and the blonde recalled what she actually planned to do. Due to her mother's love for animals, an idea popped up in her head.

"How about a rabbit?"

"Nice thought. I'll see what I can do." Regina replied sweetly, but had a slightly different interpretation of rabbit in mind.

**_One hour later_**

The blonde examined the conjured animal and couldn't imagine that her mother would like it in any way. Not only because it wasn't a rabbit at all, but also due to the fact that it just wasn't white. She gave Regina an evil eye before pointing at the giant creature.

"I think I said 'rabbit'. Misinterpreting wasn't an option. I didn't say bunny for a reason…"

Regina looked at Emma, confused, as she managed to say something.

"What? Why didn't you say bunny, dear?"

"You probably would have conjured up a naked model."

The mayor chuckled huskily and made a step towards Emma when she replied.

"There is still a chance of magically implement that, Sheriff Swan."

Before they could move closer to one another or do anything inappropriate, the doorbell rang and pulled them out of their happy place. The blonde growled a little when she made her way to the door, already knowing that her mother would stop by as they had told her the present wasn't really movable. Though, that turned out to be a lie after all.

Emma held the door open for her mother to come in and presented the animal right away.

"This is for you. Happy Birthday, Mum!"

The older woman clapped happily before she stepped a few meters closer and suddenly found her present somewhat weird.

Snow squeaked when she looked at the crimson animal while not caring at all about the shape of the animal or about its type.

"I hate red!"

In that very moment, Ruby came in immediately gasping and angrily staring at Snow. Nobody knew of course why she had just entered the mansion, because nobody had invited her anyway, but it definitely felt like some sort of a punch line.

"You bitch!" Ruby hissed at the birthday child and shut the door behind her.

"Watch your language in front of the little cutie."

Snow suddenly didn't seem to care about the odd coloring of the animal anymore. She cooed and lovingly patted the enormous cow that was apparently just starting to eat a shoe. The cow had a few black spots and seemed only slightly surreal. If the animal stood in front of Henry, Henry probably wouldn't be visible to the eye.

"What the fuck is that?" Ruby eyed the gigantic animal which just stared back while it was continuing to chew awkwardly.

"It's mine!" Snow shouted out. The red cow only mooed loudly and drooled on the floor.

"Then I'm going to take it away from you."

Ruby flung her hands around the neck of the animal in an attempt to drag it away. The cow looked quite relaxed, seemed to even start to like the embrace, and kept chewing happily.

Regina and Emma watched the little show take place in their house and tried hard to contain their laughter. Both of them weren't quite sure what the hell was even happening in front of them.

"No let Hannah go!" Snow shouted when she stepped closer to her animal.

"Hannah really?" Ruby replied dryly.

"Actually it's Hannah Mootana and I think it's adorable."

The woman with the pixie haircut defended her loved animal and brushed over its back. She got another loud moo in return. Emma and Henry chuckled lightly at that.

"Yeah just like Emma." Ruby replied sarcastically and earned herself a death glare from Regina.

The amusing smirk on the mayor's lips disappeared as she walked towards Ruby in a very queenly manner.

"I will destroy you even if it is the last thing I do!"

Regina moved forward with a dangerous ball of fire already crackling above her hand.

"No 'Gina, she just made fun of Snow. It's all good." Emma butted in as she gripped Regina's upper arm.

Her lover and former Queen huffed angrily and let the fire ball vanish before she addressed Snow again.

"Back to you, dear. You and your…" She eyed the cow that she herself had conjured with disgust and pointed to it. "…birthday present may go now. And if you dare to even touch one grass stalk…"

"Then what? You punish me?" Snow challenged the mayor with a childish smile on her lips.

Regina smirked and winked at Emma, letting her miraculously know that she was going to "punish" the blonde later. The blonde consequently gulped and her cheeks reddened a little. The destiny of Snow seemed to be a different one though.

"Your cow won't be able to be milked."

Emma tried to hold in the laughter that slowly made its way to her lips.

Henry also looked pleased with the situation as he stood next to the blonde.

Ruby just continued to lean against the drooling cow with a wolfish grin grazing her face.

However, Snow's jaw dropped when she eyed the mayor in shock. After a while of staring, Regina decided to finish her threat. "It won't EVER be able to give you milk!"

Before leading the animal and herself outside, Snow seemed to finally find her voice again.

"But she's family!" The birthday child pouted, but Regina obviously didn't care.

Regina just wanted her and the cow out of her mansion not only because the animal somehow started to smell awkwardly, but also because Snow was becoming seriously annoying. The mayor would have to see her later that day anyway since some townspeople wanted to throw a surprise party.

Henry giggled lightly before he poked his blonde mother and spoke up. "Snow just said butt!"

Emma immediately laughed along when her mother was out of the house and was surprisingly accompanied by Regina a second later.

"What the hell is that smell?" The blonde spoke up after she regained her posture and wrinkled her nose in disgust. Her whole face contorted as well.

Regina was on the verge of giving the obvious answer when Ruby suddenly spoke up with cherry-red cheeks and a sheepish smile on her lips.

"Sorry. That was probably the wolf but –"

The former Evil Queen raised a hand in warning and pointed her finger at the door when she interrupted Red. A very annoyed expression settled on the brunette's face and her voice sounded sinister once she screamed.

"Get the fuck out of here!"

The waitress hung her head in shame and trotted off. Once she was gone, Regina immediately put the air freshener to use.

**_Same time at Snow's_**

Snow tried to lead the way as Hannah struggled to keep up because Hannah simultaneously ate the roses at the edge of the plastered path along the way. The cow also trotted over the meadow at times. Every time Snow turned around, Hannah just stepped onto the path and stared into space. The animal was obviously cleverer than its owner.

"Oh, look a rabbit! Don't eat it, Miss Mootana!" The older woman suddenly yelled, startling the cow's relaxed walk.

And the cow probably thought to herself – if cows were able to think. _Who is this woman? I am a vegetarian you imbecile._

**_In the meantime at the mansion_**

"WHERE THE HELL IS MY OTHER HIGH HEEL?! I'M GOING TO KILL YOUR MOTHER!"

The brunette screamed when she examined the other shoe that was left behind and was totally soaked.

"Easy love. I'll buy you new ones okay?"

Emma softly replied and embraced the older woman who was fuming with rage. The hug calmed her down immediately. However, it didn't last for long.

"Fine."

Regina inhaled deeply before she stepped out of the embrace and exited the house in an attempt to have a look at her beloved apple tree.

"WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY ROSES?! BACONBREAST IS SO DEAD!"

"Wasn't her name Sandy Bullock or something?" Emma spoke up while scratching her forehead and looking quite thoughtful. After a while, the blonde carried on.

"Anyways I said we should have got her a rabbit but no..." She reasoned as she tried to calm her girlfriend down.

"You're not helping. AT ALL."

_I'm the fucking Evil Queen bitch. This means revenge._ The brunette thought to herself.

"Ishlldstroyuenyourefinhappiness." Regina muttered under her breath and gained herself a confused look from Emma.

**_Two hours later in Snow's apartment_**

"Hey, Charming, have you seen Hannah Mootana?"

"Oh, damn it. I knew I had missed something. I think we could catch the rerun today though if you want to?" Charming replied sweetly and smiled at his wife who seemed slightly pissed.

"I'm not talking about that Hannah."

"Who is Hannah then? And please don't tell me you have saved yet another squirrel from the sidewalk."

"What? No of course not. It's the cow Emma got me for my birthday. You know as in Moo in Mootana… By the way today's my birthday."

Snow glared at her husband with a pout on her face and faked an evil stare. However, it rather looked like a teenage-girl with stuck out ears suffering from indigestion. The former prince could have bet that he had heard a fart sound although it somehow and suddenly smelled like butterflies in the apartment.

"Um, yeah. Sure. I knew that. You just have to wait... I've got a special surprise you know."

Charming was smiling at her while trying to hide his lack of knowledge. It wasn't like he forgot or anything. He just kind of seemed to not remember and he was still very confused about the "odor".

"I love you so much and I love surprises. This is… THE BEST DAY EVER!" Snow spoke up silently, but somehow started to scream enthusiastically midsentence.

Her husband almost died because of the sudden sound intensity. He nevertheless embraced her lovingly before he recollected his thoughts. In order to figure out a quickly arranged birthday present slash surprise he needed to get rid of Snow.

"Now go find the cow of yours."

_That should do the trick_, Charming thought to himself.

"Yeah I will!" And it surprisingly worked right away.

Snow immediately stormed out of the house and right after she completely exited the room, Charming could hear her scream. "I WILL ALWAYS FIND YOU, HANNAH!"

_Maybe I'll get her some unicorn stickers or cow stickers, _Charming thought to himself when he made his way to the kitchen. A heap of very bad ideas suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks. He couldn't decide which idea was the least bad one so he just kept on rambling.

**_Same time at the mansion again_**

"Why does it smell like poop in here… yet again, dear?" The mayor asked the panting and naked blonde who lay beneath her. The punishment Emma had deserved wasn't quite finished yet.

Ruby suddenly popped up from behind a chair with a cheeky grin grazing her face and a red bra on her head. She looked at the two who stared at her when she tried to defend herself. _Do the creep (haaa)…_

"I swear that this time it wasn't me."

Regina and Emma pulled the blanket up and gawked at the brunette for a while. The former Evil Queen was the first one who managed to find her voice again.

"GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"

Ruby looked quite defeated and frowned as she opened the window in order to hop out of there. The blonde nevertheless stopped her in her tracks when she spoke up.

"Wait. Give me the bra."

Emma looked at her expectantly and Ruby just eyed her while confusion was starting to graze her face.

"On top of your head." The blonde added once she noticed that the other woman had almost started to unclasp her own bra.

Ruby's cheeks immediately reddened, the embarrassment for being a creep slowly sinking in. She tossed the bra at them and jumped out of the window – Twilight-Style. She was a sucker for movies that included werewolves even if they were schmaltzy.

The two women in bed locked eyes with each other before they shrugged their shoulders almost simultaneously. Emma decided to say something after a while.

"Oh god. I think the smell is coming from Milkyway."

The blonde instantly sat up and tried to remain calm in order to hear the one responsible for the smelliness. Remaining calm seemed to be quite difficult since she had moaned and screamed only a few minutes ago.

"Who the fuck is Milkyway?" The brunette eyed her lover while furrowing her brows in confusion.

"Cowsey Moosey? Or was it…" Emma just barely started to reply before Regina apparently made out who seemed to be the stinkpot. She stood up angrily and waved her hands around until her purple magic dressed both of them. Right after she was dressed, the brunette just started to scream.

"I AM GOING TO KILL THE CHARMINGS!"

"Ahem. Love?" Emma pouted and looked at her with her cute puppy eyes and a sad expression settled down on her face.

"OK FINE. I'M GOING TO FINISH THAT BEAST LIKE A BIG TASTY BACON…" Regina yelled again but consequently added with a hopeful whisper and an adorable smile on her lips. "…and kill your mother as well?"

The blonde chuckled a bit, but felt hungry all of a sudden when Regina mentioned the burger. She shoved the feeling in her stomach before she gave a response.

"You won't kill her, 'Gina."

"Whatever. However Maggie Moo will most certainly bite the dust." The mayor replied dryly and discontentedly.

**_Meantime on Snow's side_**

Snow walked around the backyard of the mansion cooing and just barely slurping forward. She wanted to make sure that she didn't accidently fail to spot her beloved animal… as if that was even possible.

She began to sing silently and hoped that it would help her find Hannah Mootana.

_"You get the beeeeeest of both worlds. Chillin' out, take it slow. Then you rock out the show…" _

The brunette suddenly heard a loud bang from only a few meters away. She turned around in an instant and saw a topless Ruby sprinting towards the forest. Her jaw dropped when Ruby transformed into a howling wolf. The woman with the pixie haircut could have bet that something similar had happened in one of those weird vampire movies although she wasn't quite sure what that had to do with anything.

She simply went on as she sang the song of her favorite show.

_"You get the beeeest of both worlds. Mix it all together and you know that it's the best of both worlds."_

Snow hopped a little when she finally heard an adorable moo from not so far away and immediately jogged to Hannah. She hugged her tightly and spoke lovingly.

"You. You found me."

After a short period of time, Regina came around the corner looking more like the Evil Queen than the mayor. She held her head high as she marched over to the atrocity and nearly stared down Hannah Mootana to death.

Snow saw Emma running after the infuriated mayor with rosy cheeks and a bewildered look on her face. This wasn't quite the birthday the older woman imagined for herself. Where were the party hats? And where the fuck was her husband?

"You will experience the true power of the Evil Queen!"

Regina shouted when she stood in front of the crimson cow and locked eyes with the animal.

It was a miracle really that Hannah didn't die from the stare alone. The cow was smart though and mooed lovingly as she put on her cutest pout.

She just drooled a little when she brushed her head against the brunette's thigh.

"What the fuck is Baconbreast doing?"

The former Evil Queen asked with an unamused voice as she eyed the animal with disgust and furrowed her brow in confusion.

"I think she likes you." Snow spoke up, grinning.

While contorting her face, Regina grumbled and stepped a few meters back. The blonde finally reached them and breathed heavily when her hands held on to her knees. She looked up and immediately met the lovely pout on the cow's face. The animal's puppy eyes were so big and freaking adorable and Emma gawked because of getting lost in them. The blonde just nearly started to drool as if she was a cow as well.

"Wow." Emma silently breathed out.

Regina didn't even get what the fuss was about, but could definitely see how deeply her girlfriend was affected by this.

"What do you think you're doing, Miss Swan?"

"Those eyes… They're so big and adorable. IT'S SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIE!" Emma suddenly yelled and quickly made her way to the animal in order to death-hug the cow.

Her hands gripped around the neck of it and she snuggled into the warmth of the enormous animal. The blonde seriously thought about shaking it, but quickly dropped that thought. That only worked with a plush unicorn and in animated movies. She retreated a bit before she locked eyes with Hannah Mootana again.

"It appears to me that Pooped Cream will survive." Regina muttered barely audible.

The birthday child gave her a confused look and was about to say something when the brunette carried on. She was facing Snow while hissing through gritted teeth.

"Your cow has left a rather exceptional smell in our house. It apparently cleared its bowels. I expect you to properly clean and sterilize everything."

The woman with the pixie haircut and blazing red cheeks nodded and looked to her beloved cow that had finally stopped to puppy stare at the blonde.

Regina gripped Emma's arm and walked back to the house, dragging a still dreamy blonde along with her.

"Have you seen those eyes?" Emma mumbled, a distant smile crossing her features.

The mayor nodded angrily and kept on stomping away in silence.

Mary Margaret just watched them retreat and shrugged her shoulders.

**_After Snow finished cleaning the mansion_**

The woman with the weird haircut was freaking exhausted. She knew that the cow hadn't been responsible for the unpleasant smelliness in the mansion, but also knew that keeping that to her was probably best. Anyway, the cleaning of the house had been distressing since the scent had flooded the whole damn house. She hadn't even known where to start.

However, being done after two hours felt relieving to her. Snow was the birthday child and she had always loved her birthdays. Those two hours wouldn't destroy her day and most definitely not corrupt her good mood. She wanted to have a giant party and if others weren't giving her one, she had to simply organize it by herself… even if that meant buying herself presents…. The brunette had gotten Hannah Mootana though and that made her feel fortunate. At least her daughter had been slightly acknowledgeable.

Without any other thoughts, the sufferer of an upset stomach made her way out of the spick and span mansion.

**_Twenty minutes later_**

Snow opened the door to her apartment and instantly met an unbearable silence and darkness. She hated darkness. That was when the evil monsters retreated from their positions under the beds.

The brunette slowly stalked forward and cringed once people, balloons and light came out of the weirdest places. She could have bet that Ruby who had crumbs on her head had stepped out of her oven. The people made their way to the birthday child and immediately engulfed her in hugs and happy birthday wishes and wet, sloppy pecks and kisses and the like.

She had to admit though that she loved all of the attention the townspeople gave her and was also surprised that they still cared about her in the end.

Charming walked over to her after some minor secondary characters had wished her well and clung to her with his strong arms around her. He held a little red package in front of him after they parted and gave it to his wife.

"Happy birthday, love. There are several things in there. I hope you like them."

Snow quickly pealed the wrapping off almost at the speed of light and squeaked cheerily at its content. There were mostly unicorn and cow stickers inside, but also a video cassette collection of all the seasons of "Hannah Montana" and a sort of coupon thing.

The coupon read, "Trip to the Enchanted Forest – so that we lose each other only to say 'I will always find you' to one another again". That was slightly weird but the brunette considered it to be overly romantic just like all the shit Charming had ever done. And mostly because his name was Charming and Snow really was a weird version of herself with weird hair.

Emma trotted to them and hugged her mother who seemed very happy in the moment. After the cute mother-daughter moment, she grabbed Regina and gave the mayor a way too sloppy kiss. She consequently grinned cheekily and spoke up.

"That was one of the rainbow kisses you wished for."

The former Evil Queen rolled her eyes at her girlfriend's stupidity, but in reality found the action immensely cute. She was quite glad though that the other dumbo apparently wasn't going to show up. The mayor sometimes cursed the genes when Henry talked nonsense even if he was still adorable doing it… just like his blonde mother. The sperm donor wasn't anything but annoying and "ugh". Regina didn't have appropriate words to describe him.

Nevertheless, the brunette was intrigued as to why he wasn't here. She smacked the blonde's shoulder and murmured.

"Hey, love. Where's Baelfire?"

"I dunno… MOM! Do you know where Neal is?"

Snow looked quite shocked when she eyed her daughter. In that moment, she seemingly remembered her other celebration plans. She should have cancelled them… Shit.

**_At Neal's _**

The owner of the original puppy face had been standing in front of Granny's for almost two hours. There were no lights on, but he was quite certain that Snow had said that her birthday was today and that they would meet up here. He decided to wait a little longer, probably until his brain would completely stop working.

**_At Snow's _**

The mayor shrugged her shoulders when she eyed the somehow frozen woman in front of her. She snapped her fingers a few times before Snow apparently regained consciousness.

"Oh, god. I forgot about him."

Regina just furrowed her brow and rolled her eyes at her. The former Evil Queen looked quite unamused as she gave a dry response.

"Well, nobody needs the imbecile anyway."

Snow took in a deep breath before she hissed.

"But he's family."

That was when Henry suddenly came around the corner.

The blonde was taken aback at the fact that he had just made his way out of the fridge. He chimed in with a cheeky grin grazing his face.

"SNOW JUST SAID BUTT!"

The blonde gave him her "that's only funny once"- look, but Regina breathily laughed along.

**_After a few seconds of partying and all_**

"What's that smell?" Emma spoke up her eyes searching for Cowsismoo – Sandy Bullock or whatever the fuck its name was.

She noticed the immediate reddening of her mother's cheeks and narrowed her eyes. The Sheriff stepped closer and pointed to her.

"It was you, wasn't it?"

The woman with the pixie haircut nodded and was totally embarrassed. It had to get out sooner or later… and obviously had gone out as far as ventilation and air conditioning were concerned.

The former Evil Queen suddenly fumed with rage and moved closer to the pair. She gave Snow a death stare and yelled infuriatingly at her.

"YOU'VE BEEN THE SOURCE OF THIS HIDEOUS SCENT! THIS IS THE DEATH OF YOU MISS BLANCHFART!"

Charming apparently had to have the last words.

"It does smell like butterflies."

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for reading!**

**You have no idea how butterflies smell like? Me neither. :P**

**You like? Reviews are always welcome. :)**


	2. Miss Understanding

**A/N: More crack for you! :) I hope you like it and I also hope that this chapter can live up to the first. This one is actually going to be continued and it's set sometime after MM's birthday. :P A huge thanks to Sultry Sweet, who did the beta work again. :)**

**...if you want more crack, feel free to check out my SQ crack video that also features Miss Blanchfart. (My youtube channel is 'LovingUkillsMe')**

**ENJOY! :)**

**Miss Underhand, Miss Blanchfart and Sandy Bullock coming together. **

**Or Chapter 2 - The stories of Miss Blanchfart and Swan freaking CANON Queen**

The woman with the pixie haircut approached her daughter who was sitting on the couch, sipping on a beer. Snow herself never was the one to do any gardening work and since Charming seemed to be occupied by whatever else really, she just considered Emma to be the chosen one for the task.

"Could you mow the lawn please?" The brunette asked her daughter.

"Moan? What are you talking about mom?" Mary-Margaret nearly forgot that Emma had had a serious cold the other day, which not only affected her throat and nose but somehow also made its way to her ears.

"I said MOW!"

Emma blinked a few times before she seemed to be able to process what she had heard. She smiled lightly at her mother when she replied.

"Yeah, sure."

After stretching a little, the blonde somehow managed to finally stand up. A yawn escaped her lips once she actually stood straight. Emma was on her way to the gardening utensils when her mother spoke up, apparently giving her some dating advice. At least, that was what Emma assumed she would hear.

"Watch out for the girls."

"What?! Are you kidding me? You know that Regina is the only woman I want." Emma angrily replied.

"Emma, the squirrels! I'm talking about the animals!"

Snow seemed slightly pissed off, but she only tried to clear up the situation. She nevertheless failed.

"What? I'm definitely not stalking anyone… except maybe Regina…" Emma goofily said, her cheeks blushing at the revelation.

"Would you just listen for once?" Snow hissed.

"I am listening, mom." Her daughter gave her a cheeky grin and sat down on the couch once more, already feeling tired of having to stand on two feet for too long.

Snow muttered angrily to herself. "First thing you didn't misunderstand."

"What the hell? I don't know a fucking Miss Underhand." Emma responded with a confused look written all over her face.

"No shit."

**_An hour of misunderstanding later_**

Emma had finally started to mow the lawn when Mary-Margaret made her way to the garden.

"Hey, Emma! Regina wants you to clean... the whore house!" The older woman screamed, but she really wasn't talking about a whore house.

"The fuck? Since when does she own a crib...?"

Emma's question was drowned out at the end by the loud sound of the lawn mower.

"Could you turn off that stupid lawnmoaner?" Snow yelled exasperatedly as she intently stared at the blonde.

After Emma actually turned the thing off, her mother decided to speak up again.

"Emma, is it going to be a boy or a girl?"

Snow already felt the grandma-feelings coming up when Emma mentioned a crib and therefore couldn't hold in her excitement. She just loved, loved, loved kids… even more than she loved animals. And having yet another grandchild seemed to be pleasing the woman. The child could play with Hannah Mootana every now and then and maybe distract her own poopy fragrance at times.

Emma just looked at her mother in confusion while not believing what she had heard.

"I'm not sure if I know what you're talking about... wait a second."

Silver-grey smoke engulfed the more than startled blonde as she 'magicked' herself to Regina's and her mansion, leaving a pissed-off brunette behind.

"For the love of the red-footed booby!" Snow muttered angrily when she pulled out her phone, desperately wanting a response from her daughter. She just needed a grandchild if she wasn't going to have a child on her own.

She hit 'send' before re-reading the message to the blonde.

_'So what is it going to be? A gorilla would be nice.' _

"Oh, damn you auto-correct."

The brunette muttered, infuriated with the piece of electronic shit in her hand and quickly corrected herself.

_'I meant GIRL! Stupid phone.'_

**_At the mansion_**

The blonde instantly appeared in front of the mayor, slightly choking because of the cloud of smoke. Emma wasn't completely acquainted with the art of magically 'poofing' herself to various places. Regina had already showed her a lot, but that shit still scared the shit out of her and also often caused serious headaches.

"Whoa…" Emma groaned as she suddenly stood a few inches away from a very naked Regina in the bathroom. When she finally took in the beauty in front of her she smirked and seductively mumbled.

"Hi there, sexy."

The brunette immediately blushed, not feeling taken aback at all about the sudden intrusion; mainly because it had happened quite a lot lately.

"Hello, Miss Swan." Regina replied with a very husky voice.

"I love it when you're bossy." Emma continued to smirk and winked at her lover.

The blonde cupped the older woman's cheeks as she planted a soft kiss on Regina's lips and immediately smiled into it. The kiss only lasted seconds before Emma's phone vibrated.

"What is so rudely interrupting our entanglement, Sheriff?" Regina purred when she teasingly pulled the phone out of the blonde's pants pocket. Her naked body brushed over the dressed one of her lover slightly when she moved back to have a look at the message.

She chuckled at first, probably because of reading the gorilla part. However, once reading the second text and realizing what the message actually stated, her face contorted in confusion.

Emma eyed the brunette with a concerned look and stepped closer, trying to reach for her phone. Regina quickly held it behind her back though, gazing into her lover's eyes and a wide smile suddenly grazed her lips. The overwhelming and joyous feeling quickly affected her eyes that had started to glow with happiness. The woman seemed at least ten years younger than usual.

"Are you pregnant, darling?" She spoke so softly and lovingly that it almost broke Emma's heart.

The blonde wanted to ask her the same thing but felt dumb all of a sudden. Neither of them was fucking pregnant. What the hell was her mum even up to? Spreading all these lies and shit… Emma didn't know what to say. She could only hurt the woman in front of her and herself as well.

However, before the blonde could even say something, Ruby suddenly hopped out of the laundry basket with a used slip on her head. That was slightly gross and totally weird.

"OH, YES. FINALLY! BABY SWANQUEEN, I WAS WAITING FOR YOU FOR SO LONG! WE ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER LIKE JACOB AND RENESMEE." The wolf girl suddenly screamed.

"Could you maybe... like… not be here right now?" Emma looked at her as she narrowed her eyes.

"But I just wanted…"

"RUBY JUST SAID BUTT!" Henry came in out of nowhere and yelled at the three ladies, with a sheepish smile on his lips, which he could only have inherited from his blonde mother.

Regina rolled her eyes as she still stood there, totally naked. She couldn't be ashamed of her perfect body though and Ruby had seen it before anyway. One way or another, the former Evil Queen was freaking pissed with the situation and conjured the two idiots out of the room with a swing of her hand. The brunette locked eyes with her lover again as she spoke up.

"So are you pregnant, Emma?"

"No."

A single tear fell down as the blonde's cheeks were slightly wet, revealing her own disappointment and frustration. Tender arms immediately enfolded her once a soothing voice filled her ear. Emma hugged the other woman back and felt slightly better. It was in that exact moment that she knew what was missing in her life.

"I want us to have another child." The blonde said and looked up, staring into sad chocolate brown eyes that she could only get lost in.

"Me, too."

Regina smiled back. She lovingly pecked her girlfriend and wiped away Emma's tears with her thumb.

After a while, Emma decided to speak up again. However, she was quite surprised that she could so easily and quickly change the subject.

"That misunderstanding moment with my mother wasn't that bad I guess… although she had also said something about a whore house, so I am not quite sure if I know what she had meant by that. Regina, seriously, what are you keeping from me? Are you some kind of a brothel owner or what?"

The brunette let out a breathy laugh, forgetting her sadness completely. The incredible and exaggerated idiocy of her girlfriend was something she could only adore without even knowing why.

"I don't think I am a brothel owner, love. I was actually talking about the cleaning and flooring of the house or rather of a room."

"Oh okay… Are you talking about a nursery?" Emma asked as she felt overly excited and that was a scary feeling for the blonde. She wanted to definitely extend the family on the one hand, but on the other, she felt quite afraid of raising a child.

"Yes." The brunette grinned happily and kissed her lover's cheek.

**At Snow's**

Snow walked around in her apartment, staring at her phone all the time. However, when she heard a familiar moo come from not so far away, she immediately felt better.

"Oh, hey. There you are, Hannah. Where have you been?"

The cow looked quite sad when she stared at the woman with the pixie haircut.

_The cow's flashback:_

_Hannah was trotting around in the backyard of Snow's apartment and chewed on nothing. She felt definitely content of having the lawn all to herself and having such a good owner. Snow always spoiled her like a little child and Hannah loved it._

_However, when she suddenly crashed into a male cow on HER lawn, Hannah wasn't amused at all. _

_"MOO, BITCH! GET OUT THE WAY! GET OUT THE WAY!" The crimson animal shouted at the other normal looking animal. _

_"What kind of monstrosity are you?" The intruder replied in a very harsh manner._

_"I am Hannah Mootana. Who the bullshit are you?" _

_"I'm Sandy Bullock… you know as in bull." _

_Hannah had to laugh at the name, especially because it didn't sound manly at all. _

_"I'm at least black and white, you blood-filled tampon!" _

_The red cow gasped at that. This wasn't fair. She used to look normal, too._

**Flashback over**

The cow mooed non-stop as Snow eyed her expectantly. When the animal was seemingly done, the brunette exhaled deeply and put on an evil glare.

"This is so unfair! What a bully!"

Hannah looked even sadder when Snow said 'bully'.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Some beings just don't have feelings! I mean... except Charming of course… Where is he anyway?"

**At David's**

"I'll win you over. I can feel it." The pirate spoke up with a satisfied smirk settling down on his face.

"Uh, please, Hook, don't tell Snow. It was just this one time!"

"Yeah, that's what they always say before they come crawling back."

"Who's they?"

"Good point."

**At Snow's**

After Snow quickly stopped to think about her husband's location, she decided to say something again. "Well, whatever. Let's go find Sandy Bullock and teach her a lesson."

The cow drooled on the floor before she mooed again.

_'Sandy Bullock is a bull.'_

Snow let out a loud laughter once she heard the cow's reply.

"BAHAHA. What a jerk."

**At the mansion**

"What's that smell, love?" Regina eyed her lover as she moved out of their bathroom.

"It was probably Big Mooma, again." The blonde answered dryly, but she was really thinking of 'Hannah Mootana'.

"Are you talking about your mother?" The mayor looked at Emma and crinkled her forehead in confusion.

"No. I was thinking about her cow. I still can't believe that Snow smells like that." The Sheriff replied and shrugged her shoulders.

"Well, she had had such an unpleasant smell before."

"What do you mean?"

"Back in the Enchanted Forest, there was always a hideous smell surrounding her. I thought that it would come from the animals around or just because of the low standards concerning body hygiene."

"Um, so how did you smell?"

"Most certainly not like butterflies. Rather like apples."

Regina smirked at her lover but continued to walk into the garden, only to see a fat white cow standing close to her apple tree, smashing its head against it. Some apples were falling off of the tree and the former Evil Queen was getting totally infuriated.

"IF YOU, RARE PIECE OF MEAT, DARE TO TOUCH ONLY ONE APPLE, I WILL THROW YOU INTO MY PAN AND MAKE A DELICIOUS WELL-DONE STEAK OUT OF YOU!"

The blonde looked at the mayor in shock and walked towards her. Regina already stood in front of the animal, burning with anger and staring into its eyes. Sandy Bullock mooed loudly and obviously pooped because of its fear towards the evil woman in front of it. The cow got no game.

"Babe, calm down."

"CALM DOWN? IT RAN AGAINST MY APPLE TREE."

Regina moved to her tree and brushed her hands over the strong stem of it. She slowly calmed down once the cow took a few steps back and the brunette kept on eyeing her beloved tree.

Emma raised one eyebrow, looking at her lover and muttered under her breath, barely audible.

"My wife's awesome. She even has chemistry with a tree."

However, the brunette had heard her and spoke up with a sassy smirk on her lips.

"First of all, I'm not your wife and secondly yes, I am amazing."

"But all these tumblr pictures and stuff claim that you're my wife… often 'angry wife' but it's on there. IT'S CANON!"

Suddenly Henry hopped out of the tree crown and yelled.

"EMMA JUST SAID BUTT!"

Regina and Emma just stared at their son and rolled their eyes in unison. Yes, their boy was freaking crazy and sometimes stupid, but he was also smart at times, especially when it came to things nobody cared about, like comics or animals.

Anyway, from a distance they could see that the butterfly pooper was driving towards them in a new car, the cow's head looking out of the passenger seat's window. The tongue of the animal fluttered in the wind and the window of the backseat was already covered in slobber.

Once the two got out of the car and moved over to the others, it instantly smelled like shit or something that could burn away nostril hair.

"Is that Sandy Bullock?" Snow hissed through gritted teeth, definitely pissed, and pointed to the cow next to the apple tree.

"To me she looks like a Milkshake or a Moofasa or maybe even a Cocoa." The blonde replied and shrugged her shoulders.

Her mother furrowed her brow in confusion and gave Emma a response a second later.

"I didn't even ask you. I was talking to Hannah Mootana."

Regina smirked and whispered into her girlfriend's ear, trying to keep a straight face.

"Call a psychiatrist. Your mother has officially become mental."

The blonde chuckled slightly before she moved towards her mother who seemed to still listen to her mooing cow. When the animal stopped mooing, and also drooling, Snow spoke up again.

"This is him! We'll take him to the animal shelter. It's better to have a bully under control then to leave him walking around freely."

Emma and Regina just eyed the woman with the pixie haircut in confusion. Snow was already making her way back to her car, dragging the two cows along with her, but suddenly stopped halfway. She turned around and managed to say something.

"Damn. I don't even have driver's license. Emma, could you drive us there?"

The blonde watched her mother in shock. How on earth had the woman even driven to the mansion without a license? That seemed pretty illegal to the Sheriff. However, she let that thought go as Regina suddenly pushed her towards her mother.

"Go, love. Please, get rid of those idiots." The brunette lovingly whispered into Emma's ear, causing goose bumps where her breath hit the blonde's skin.

"Fine." The Sheriff muttered and walked over to the car.

Emma slid into the driver's seat and waited for the cows to get in the backseat and for her mother to settle down beside her.

Regina came over and gave her girlfriend a quick peck on the lips before she spoke up.

"You are my last hope."

Emma smiled at the mayor and replied. "Yes I know. I'm awesome."

Suddenly, Ruby came out of the trunk, screaming.

"NO, YOU'RE NOT! DUDE! DON'T LIE!"

The blonde just grinned cheekily as she yelled back.

"I'm awesome! I'm driving round in my mom's ride."

Before the filled up car actually drove away though, Snow chimed in, winking at Regina.

"I'm expecting a girl, you know!"

And with that, the car moved away from her. The brunette just stood there, completely startled at the sudden outburst of the butterfly pooper. Speaking of poop, it suddenly smelled a lot better in the area.

Regina inhaled deeply and happily and waltzed into the mansion.

**At Snow's **

"AAAAAAND IIIIIII- E- IIIIII WILL ALWAAAAYS LOOVEE UUUUUU!"

The blonde couldn't believe what was happening in the moment. Her mother loudly squeaked the lyrics of a Whitney Houston song as the cows happily mooed along in the back. The crimson animal sat in the seat behind the Sheriff and drooled on her shoulder every now and then.

Emma just wanted to be out of the car. This was freaking awful. And it sounded and smelled like shit.

Snow's voice seemed like it was coming from a screaming goat in one of those YouTube videos. The cows were miraculously better than her.

The Sheriff drove further with a stern expression on her face, the window open beside her and her head hung out of it.

When butterflies suddenly blocked the blonde's view, she was totally taken aback and steered into the opposite direction. The tires screeched and the car instantly turned over.

…to be continued.


	3. Everyone loves great tits

**A/N: Well, it certainly has been a while since I updated... I hope you're still with me. This chapter is a continuation of the second. **

**Thanks to Sultry Sweet who did the beta work and who has also inspired me by giving me some funny ideas. :)**

**I hope this chapter lights up your day. ;)**

_Review:_

_The Sheriff drove further with a stern expression on her face, the window open beside her and her head hung out of it._

_When butterflies suddenly blocked the blonde's view, she was totally taken aback and steered into the opposite direction. The tires screeched and the car instantly turned over._

_…to be continued._

**Chapter 3 – Everyone loves great tits**

Emma's collision with the steering wheel was thankfully softened by a few butterflies. The blonde groaned as she leaned back in her seat and looked around. The passenger seat's door was wide open. She turned around to see that the cows were gone as well. What the fuck?

The Sheriff moved out of the car to examine the situation. They had crashed into a tree, Miss Blanchfart's new car was squashed and the damage seemed to be beyond repair.

All of them could have been lucky that nothing severe had happened, if all of them were actually here. The only thing that the cows had left behind was disgusting poop in the backseat. Emma contorted her face at the sight.

One way or another, the blonde was sure that a hit and run was illegal. Her mother had apparently left the scene of the accident with the two cows in tow and this time, the Sheriff wouldn't be so forgiving. Snow was surely to blame for the accident and she was going to pay for it, especially for also leaving Emma behind like that.

At Snow's

"Hush, Hannah. The Sheriff won't find us here, I promise." Snow cooed to the crimson cow that stood in Snow's apartment, thinking 'THAT'S THE FIRST PLACE SHE'LL LOOK, YOU IDIOTIC WOMAN'.

When a few seconds passed, there was a knock at the door. The woman with the pixie haircut narrowed her eyes and moved to the door, opening it slowly. As soon as she took in the attire of the person standing across from her, her eyes nearly popped out of her head and she screamed.

"YOU WILL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"

Right after she had said that, she farted in order to confuse the Sheriff for a while. That apparently worked since Emma crinkled her forehead in confusion and her nose in disgust. Snow instantly closed the door before the blonde could make coherent thoughts about the stinking butterflies and ran to a side entrance of the apartment.

Emma stood in front of the closed door and shook her head lightly. She was really starting to get pissed. Once she wanted to turn around and head back to her car, there was a loud moo coming from not so far away.

In that moment, the blonde saw two cows falling out of one of the windows of Snow's apartment. It was about twenty feet from where she had just stood. Emma laughed to herself as she moved over to them. That was going to be easier than she had expected.

When the Sheriff reached the animals, she instantly noticed that they were only dummies. She groaned angrily and suddenly heard a voice coming from the front door.

"YOU'VE JUST GOT TRICKED!"

Snow happily exclaimed as she rode away on the crimson cow, the other one – the normal looking one – galloping behind.

Emma huffed out and rolled her eyes at the action.

A second later, her cell-phone rang, tearing her out of her angry feelings towards her mother. She answered it quickly.

"Sheriff Swan. What seems to be the problem?"

The person on the other side talked and Emma nodded in response to what was said. When the person seemed to be done, she spoke up in an 'I don't have time for this shit' – manner.

"Yeah, sure. I'll be there in a second."

**20 minutes later **

Emma arrived at the grocery store about 20 minutes later and immediately walked over to its owner. He was the one who had called her about an important matter that needed the Sheriff's observation.

"What is it?" The blonde asked, crinkling her forehead.

"Look over here." The owner replied and led Emma to an emptied shelf.

"You're doing inventory. So what?"

"No. Someone stole all of my alcoholic drinks. And I've just got an anonymous phone call from someone who sounded strangely like Snow, stating that the alcohol would be at the Mayors. So I don't know who's responsible for this shit, I just want my booze back…"

Before the guy could ramble further, Emma spoke up, successfully interrupting the weird dude.

"Alright, alright. I'm on it."

She hurried out of the shop and instantly drove to the mansion.

**At the mansion**

Once Emma entered the house, she heard a husky voice echo through it.

"…Don't be a drag, just be a queen…" The former Evil Queen sang, feeling super confident about herself. She was becoming quite a fan of Lady Gaga, especially due to her wide range of crazy outfits.

Regina was oblivious to the fact that Emma had already made her way into their bedroom, eyeing her with a confused and yet amused look on her face. The blonde came closer and made one wrong move, making Regina stop her ridiculously sexy movements and singing.

The brunette's mouth definitely had various qualities except from talking.

"Don't stop." Emma pouted at her girlfriend.

Regina raised one eyebrow and smirked at the blonde before she spoke up.

"You have already returned from your little trip with the cows?"

"Yeah… about that…" The blonde told Regina everything that had happened, including the thing about the stolen alcoholic bottles.

Once Emma was finished talking, the brunette rolled her eyes before she dryly stated.

"Well, it does seem likely that I would steal booze."

"I know, Gina. I still have to have a look around."

"Do as you please, Sheriff."

After a while of searching, Emma really found several bottles on the stove in the kitchen.

"And of course, I wouldn't think of hiding them." Regina spoke up in a sarcastic tone, showing off her annoyance.

"What is that smell?" Emma suddenly said.

"I suppose the question concerning us most would be: What the hell is Snow doing in my house again?" The brunette angrily spit out.

"Our house. Haven't we already settled that in Neverland?" The blonde interrupted, looking at Regina with her most adorable puppy eyes.

"Emma, yes, it's our house. However, that is not OUR concern at the moment." Regina said as she eyed Emma intensely.

The blonde managed to analyze the situation a minute later and gave her response.

"Is she trying to blame you for having stolen those bottles?"

"Yes, I do think so, Sherlock." Regina teased flatly.

"Gina." The blonde huffed out.

"Miss Swan, go find that hideous mother of yours and arrest her or otherwise I will do much worse things to her."

Emma gulped as she looked at her dark-haired lover and replied quickly, her voice shaking a little.

"There's no need to kill her."

"Who said anything about killing?" The brunette countered, a wicked smirk settling on her features.

While Emma and Regina were standing in their kitchen, talking to one another, Snow popped up and down at the window several times before she walked away. As she passed it, her cows trotted after her, carrying furnishings with them on their backs. The two women in the mansion didn't take notice of the idiots walking by and inexpertly robbing them of some of their belongings.

"Whatever. I'll find her." The blonde spoke up after a while.

"Just don't." Regina said, rolling her eyes.

"What?"

"Use the F word."

"Fucking?" The blonde asked as she grinned sheepishly at her older lover.

"That is highly indecent."

"You love it."

Hannah Mootana carried a huge desk and nearly stumbled into the wall of the mansion. Fortunately, she accomplished the task of moving the furniture and went by the window unrecognized. The two love-struck fools were too in love and occupied with each other to even see what had happened a meter across from them.

"You are kinky, Sheriff." The brunette purred.

"Oh, you love me."

"Yes, indeed, I do. You shall get your reward later. Now, go." Regina shoved the blonde towards the door.

Emma exhaled exaggeratedly and before she could exit the kitchen, there was a loud bang from nearby.

"THAT WASN'T ME!" Ruby screamed once she had hopped out of a closet.

"Did you just come out of the closet?" Emma asked, looking at the wolf girl expectantly.

"Um, yes."

"I win! I think you owe me fifty dollars." The blonde said, eyeing Regina who rolled her eyes at her girlfriend's idiocy.

"She did not say that she's a lesbian." Regina hissed through gritted teeth.

"But that counts, too."

Suddenly Henry ran into the kitchen, screaming.

"EMMA JUST SAID BUTT!"

"Henry, that's not funny at all. I say shit and stupid things almost all of the time." Emma replied, looking at her son with a worried face.

Something was definitely wrong with Henry. Maybe he had spent too much time with his biological father or the genes were finally coming through… he couldn't get that dumb all of a sudden or could he?

"EMMA JUST SAID SHIT!" Henry exclaimed loudly and proudly.

"Sometimes I have the feeling that I should arrest this whole town… and then I think 'nah, rather not'." The blonde mumbled, barely audible as she eyed her dark-haired lover.

The latter spoke up when Emma was finished.

"Just start by arresting Miss Blanchfart, Sandy Bullock and Baconbreast." Once Regina spit out the last name, there was a loud scream that came from outside.

"IT'S HANNAH MOOTANA FOR THE LOVE OF GREAT TITS!"

"Did your mother just say 'great tits'?" The brunette contorted her face and looked a bit shocked as she locked eyes with Emma.

The blonde just shrugged her shoulders when she replied.

"Yeah, I think some of her favorite birds are called great tits."

"Well, good to know."

"I think we have just found my mother."

"No shit." Regina replied dryly.

Before Henry could even say something, Emma held her hand over his mouth and spoke up.

"Save it, Henry. Just save it."

Once the boy seemed to have calmed down, the blonde exited the house in order to finally arrest her mother.

As soon as she made her way around the house, she heard some moos. Emma could have bet that one even came from her mother.

The blonde was shocked beyond words when she saw her mother with a hockey mask, holding up a chainsaw and starting to saw Regina's wooden desk.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Emma screamed fearfully.

"BUILDING A CRIB!" Snow yelled happily.

However, once she noticed who had posed the question, she quickly looked up.

"FUCK THE POLICE!" The woman with the pixie haircut said loudly as she hopped on Hannah Mootana in order to quickly gallop away.

Sandy Bullock drooled on Emma's shoes and followed the other cow. Emma just stood there, completely in shock with a wide open mouth.

"What the actual fuck just happened?" She mumbled after a while as she eyed the furnishings that were still lying around the apple tree.

The blonde was actually quite happy that Snow hadn't used the chainsaw on Regina's beloved tree.

Suddenly, something cracked loudly and branch after branch fell from the tree and onto the meadow. Emma's eyes nearly popped out of her head when she eyed the tree, which was slowly falling apart.

"Regina's going to kill me." The blonde muttered and held her hand to her forehead.

After a while, the mayor also walked into their backyard.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOUR MOTHER AND HER WHOLE ANIMAL CREW IF IT'S THE LAST THING I'LL DO!" Regina yelled once she took notice of her apple tree and Emma standing across from it.

"Hop in the car, love. We have a delinquent to punish." The brunette spoke up with an evil smirk instantly grazing her face.

"Well, we should catch her first." Emma suggested sheepishly.

"Same thing." Regina said dryly and sat down in the passenger seat of the Sheriff's car.

The blonde quickly followed her lover and started the engine.

They drove in the direction in which the cows and Snow apparently had moved. After a long while, Regina started to speak up angrily.

"Where are they? They can't have gotten that far. She's riding on cows for fuck's sake."

"It seems like I've got that from my mother."

"Did you just indirectly call me a cow?" The brunette said and narrowed her eyes at Emma.

"God, no. I meant that I'm good at riding… if you know what I mean." The blonde replied teasingly and glanced over to Regina for a second before she looked at the road again.

"You're such a kinky bitch. I'm sure you haven't gotten that from your mother, even if she apparently has a thing for great tits."

"So have I." Emma countered and smiled broadly.

"AND I!" Ruby suddenly exclaimed happily, sitting in the back. After a second, she continued.

"I'm still waiting for baby Swan Queen though, and I hope she will be as beautiful as Regina Milf… I mean Mills."

"Have you just called Regina a mother you'd like to fuck?" The blonde asked angrily.

"Um, maybe."

"You better not have, since I'm the only one who is fucking her. And I also happen to have copyrighted the name Regina Milf." Emma said proudly and put her hand on Regina's thigh, still managing to eye the street.

"You did?" Regina asked, quite stunned at the fact.

"Sure did. Before we got together though."

The car came to a halt at a red light and once the light turned green again, two cows crossed the street, successfully preventing Emma to drive on.

Snow who was on top of the crimson animal started to yell once they passed the Sheriff's car.

"They see me rollin'. They hatin', patrolling, they tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty. Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty!"

"LET'S CATCH THAT NIGGAH!" Ruby yelled from the backseat.

"What I wouldn't give for another sleeping curse." Regina mumbled silently.

The tires squealed as Emma made a sharp bend to the right in an attempt to chase her mother.

"Is she drunk?" The brunette in the passenger's seat asked once she examined Snow's weird riding style.

"Have you ever ridden a cow?" Emma countered.

Regina knitted her eyebrows and replied dryly.

"Good point."

They kept on driving through the town, gaining weird looks from the inhabitants of Storybrooke as they followed the two cows. The Sheriff's car was getting closer by the minute and the cows seemed to be quite exhausted.

Charming stood on the sidewalk, watching the scene unfold and following it by looking from left to right. When they seemingly were out of reach, he contorted his face in confusion. After a second, the bunch of people moved from right to left again, making the prince become even more confused.

Ruby clicked on her iPod as they drove on and the Bunny Hill theme instantly blasted through the speakers. Regina turned around to give the wolf girl an unamused look, but the latter obviously didn't care as she just narrowed her eyes on the street, trying to stay focused.

Once the Sheriff's car was really close to the cows, Sandy Bullock suddenly pooped.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Emma screamed as she tried to avoid the poop.

She didn't manage to get around it and a huge pile of shit landed on the windshield, preventing her from seeing anything. As soon as the blonde put the wiper to use, the shit uniformly smeared across the whole windshield.

Emma stopped the car and instantly got out, watching her mother ride towards the sunset. Regina stood beside her and rolled her eyes in exhaustion. It was definitely time for the former Evil Queen to finally shine.

"The mayor is dead. Long live the evil mayor." Regina huskily spoke with her head held high and a wicked smirk on her face.

Emma furrowed her eyebrows and eyed the brunette intensely before she spoke up.

"Seriously, Gina?"

"I'm totally on board! I'VE ALWAYS LOVED THE EVIL QUEEN. LET'S CATCH SNOW!" The waitress exclaimed loudly as she stood beside Regina and Emma.

The former Evil Queen huffed out exaggeratedly and gave a response.

"The sight of you is disastrous, Miss Lucas. I consider myself fortunate to not have eye cancer. Just go take yourself for a walk."

"EVIL IS SURELY BACK!" Ruby yelled before she ran away into the direction of the forest.

After a while of watching the wolf girl leave, Emma asked.

"What now?"

"Magic."

That was the only word that left Regina's lips as she instantly grabbed the blonde's hand and 'poofed' them to Snow.

They landed in yet another pile of shit, standing across from the cows and Snow. The latter loudly squeaked once she saw Regina and Emma who were covered in mud. Before she could ride away again though, purple smoke engulfed the three women, leaving two confused cows behind.

This time, they all landed in the mansion's bathroom. The blonde and the mayor nakedly sat in the bathtub and Snow was chained to the toilet with her head in the bowl.

Regina chuckled breathily as she eyed her perfectly accomplished work.

Emma looked quite shocked once she saw the scene that was displayed in front of her… She would definitely not get entangled with the mayor in front of her own mother. Before she could protest though, Regina leaned in and teasingly whispered into the blonde's ear.

"Don't worry, dear. The choice is yours. We don't have to do anything, but we could fuck right now."

Once Emma heard 'fuck' coming from Regina's lips she nearly lost conscience. She knew that Regina Milf would be the death of her. However, she couldn't do that to her mother and she would also feel incredibly weird about it.

"I THINK IT'S AN ABSURDITY TO HAVE SEX BEFORE THE MARRIAGE! AND BESIDES YOU'RE ALREADY PREGNANT! AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TOLD ME THE GIRL'S NAME!" Snow suddenly screamed into the toilet.

Regina magically activated the flush and chuckled darkly. That hideous woman really made her nuts. Once the woman with the pixie haircut seemed to be able to hear again, the brunette replied dryly.

"It's going to be a gorilla."

After that, Emma's eyes nearly popped of her head but before she could say anything, Ruby suddenly hopped out of the shower just as naked as the ones in the tub and yelled loudly.

"NO! I WANT A GIRL! I'M MEANT TO BE WITH BABY SWAN QUEEN! I'M AS GAY AS CHARMING… I mean EMMA!"

"Did you just say that my husband is gay?" Snow said but her voice was barely audible inside of the toilet.

"Well, yeah, as in happy and all that." The wolf girl quickly corrected herself, hoping that the butterfly pooper would just go with it.

The woman who was chained huffed out and replied smilingly.

"Oh okay, then I guess we are all happy, but you're still getting a girl though, right?"

Emma was still in shock as she intently eyed Regina. However, she nevertheless looked around to see Henry who strangely didn't make his appearance.

"We'll see." Regina spoke up teasingly, leaving everyone in complete and utter confusion.


	4. Dragon tattoos are freaking overrated

**A/N: You can follow Miss Blanchfart on twitter if you dare. Here's the link twitter LovingUkillsMe**

**A huge thanks to Sultry Sweet who did the beta work yet again! :D**

**So here's the new chapter. I hope you like it. Please tell me what you think. :) **

* * *

**Chapter 4 - Dragon tattoos are freaking overrated**

Regina Milf sat in the living room of the mansion, enjoying the quiet and watching the third season of "The L Word" for the fourth time. Life was obviously good at the moment, mainly due to the fact that Miss Blanchfart wanted to catch up on some mother-daughter time and was therefore, for once, not driving the dark-haired woman nuts.

The house smelled pleasant and her apple tree had grown quite a bit during the last few weeks. Emma still thought her lover was pregnant and therefore treated Regina like a freaking goddess… she even did the laundry. Henry started to go to therapy again, talking about his little butt problem with Dr. Hopper. And Miss Blanchfart continued farting once in a while, but also knitted girl's clothes, finished setting up the crib and even sent Regina a list of names for the baby. All of them sounded weird.

The brunette chuckled as she read through the message from the woman with the pixie haircut again.

_'Hi Regina, I thought about some cute names for the little daughter that you're giving birth to in about 7 months. I hope she's going to be properly fed since you still look as skinny as ever. Anyway, here's a list of a few names that Charming and I have come up with… or actually just me because I don't even know where Charming is these days… I'm sure he'll find me though, so don't worry.'_

_'Mona Lott, Virgin, Mary Lisa, Misty, Reignbow, Bicorn, Princess Mary, Optimus, Apple, Catspliss Evergreen, Mahboobeh, Ima (which is of course followed by either Swan or Charming), Married (David + Mary), Vagina (Regina + Vanilla), Cinnamonpoo, Winnie Poop, Milk, … ' _

_'I have more if you're interested. Please let me know… although I feel awkward about some of them. _

_Thanks._

- _Snow' _

Regina cracked up after rereading the message once more. She would surely never give her daughter such an incredibly weird name… It really was a good thing that she wasn't even pregnant. The brunette already had had her fun with those names though.

**Flashback**

_"So, Emma, how about we name our little daughter Vagina?" Regina asked the blonde, smirking. _

_Emma's eyes nearly popped out of her head at the suggestion. She was definitely shocked as soon as she gave her response._

_"WHAT?" _

_"Well, it is a blend word made of Regina and Vanilla." The brunette explained, looking very serious._

_However, Emma wasn't buying that shit. She knew that Regina would never call their daughter Vagina._

_"You're joking, aren't you?"_

_"I am certainly not. I have made a list with some names that I really love." The brunette said, grinning broadly as she handed Emma the list with Snow's names. _

_"Mona Lott?" The blonde read loudly, still in shock. _

_"Yes, you do." Regina chuckled when she spoke up huskily._

_Before Emma read further, she rolled her eyes and said dryly, "You got these from my mother, didn't you?"_

_"Okay, fine. Yes, Miss Blanchfart sent me those hideous suggestions." The brunette huffed out._

**Flashback over**

All of a sudden, an unknown ringtone echoed through the mansion. Regina was pretty sure that Emma must have changed her ringtone once more since the brunette was slightly pissed off due to hearing a disastrous grammar. "Your phone ringing it is. Press the button you must. Fulfill your destiny."

Regina hoped that it wouldn't be that hideous mother of her blonde lover. However, as soon as she read the caller ID, the dark-haired woman smirked and quickly answered.

"Thank you so much for changing my ringtone yet again, dear. And seriously, a Yoda ringtone?"

A few muffled sounds came from the blonde before Regina teasingly said, "Miss Swan, don't dare to tell me that you are going to be late for our little recreating session of the kinkiest scenes of 'The L Word'."

After a while of listening to her girlfriend, the dark-haired woman spoke up again with her voice raised and her mood dropped.

"WHAT IS SHE DOING?! YOU HAVE TO STOP HER!"

…

"Okay, love. I'm coming."

Regina hurriedly hung up and made her way to Emma.

**At Emma's who's at the Charming's**

"Emma, she can't do that!" The brunette yelled as soon as she entered the Charming's apartment.

"They'll know soon anyway, don't you think?" Emma replied sheepishly and walked over to Regina. The blonde gave the older woman a quick peck before she gently brushed over Regina's stomach.

"I suppose not since there is something I need to tell you." The brunette answered shyly.

"What is it, babe?" Emma asked, worrying.

"I'm not pregnant." Regina spoke up and cringed while she looked at Emma expectantly.

The blonde was shocked beyond words but still managed to silently whisper, nobody hearing the words anyhow. "Now, I can forget about my performance of 'You're having my baby'. Those intense rehearsals were totally in vain…"

Ruby suddenly hopped out of nowhere and cried.

"NO! BUT I NEED THIS BABY!"

"I don't want to interrupt you or anything. RUBY JUST SAID BUTT!" Henry exclaimed loudly once he joined the trio.

"Aren't you supposed to be at a therapy session?" Regina spoke up, frowning and furrowing her brow in confusion.

"Well, I was there. But I got bored." The boy giggled crazily before he continued. "I just said butt. And I did it again."

Emma was still in shock, taking in the information, but quickly pulled herself together. She wanted a child with the brunette so badly that she almost forgot what her mother was about to do. After a second, she finally managed to speak up.

"Shit! We have to stop my mom, Gina."

Regina spoke up before she left the apartment in order to shut up the woman with the pixie haircut.

"I'm going to deal with her! You stay here."

Emma shrugged her shoulders and asked Ruby who was still there as well.

"What kind of present did you actually make my mother?"

"Um, one she still hasn't unpacked… It's so much better than just a lame cow." The waitress hissed through gritted teeth.

**At Snow's**

Snow stood in front of the townspeople, mentally preparing herself for an epic speech. Yes, she was freaking nervous and had probably peed her pants a thousand times already. However, she was not going to just leave the stage now, as the saying goes: _The show must go all over the place or something… _

She was a natural leader and if that meant speaking in front of an intimidating, huge crowd then she was willing to do so. Furthermore, the townspeople deserved to know that the former Evil Queen carried her daughter's child.

The brunette may have also farted once in a while, but she blamed everything that came out of her on her nervousness. Or on her crimson cow, which stood beside her.

Suddenly, a cool wind brushed her lady parts and she had to immediately cringe at the coldness. Such sharp and freezing cold could only develop if she was wet there. The brunette instantly looked down and examined her crotch. Snow sighed happily when she noticed that she was wearing dark trousers and nobody would be able to see that she had indeed peed her pants.

The woman with the pixie-haircut cleared her throat and made a few weird gestures before she spoke up.

"My dear town's people. Lend me your ears!"

The people who watched her suddenly turned around and eyed each other. They obviously couldn't believe what they had just heard. After a while of bewildered looks though, the crowd pulled their ears off as if they were props and threw them at Snow in the front.

The brunette rolled her eyes at their stupidity while being bombarded with ears and tried to find appropriate words to say. Snow yelled when she seemingly found them.

"I MEAN… LISTEN TO ME!"

Suddenly, everyone was quiet and looked up at her expectantly. One voice, nonetheless, sounded through the crowd at that moment and affected Snow deeply.

"IS SNOW RELATED TO PETER PAN? OR WHY HAS SHE PEED HER PANTS?"

The woman with the pixie-hair cut immediately blushed and her eyes popped out of her head in shock. She had to come up with an excuse… the faster the better.

"I had a rough fight with Robin Hood and he pushed me into a sulfurous lake."

_'That will hopefully do and shut them up', _Snow thought and eyed the townspeople expectantly.

The former Evil Queen stood in the midst of the crowd and rolled her eyes at Snow White. Regina was apparently the only one who wasn't idiotic in this freaking town.

The remaining folk breathed out in shock and amazement as they eyed their Snow White, the embodiment of everything that was good in this miserable stinking world.

_'By the way, stinking… where did that smell come from?'_ Regina asked herself, already knowing the answer.

Mary Margaret instantly had to remember the day when she had actually met Robin Hood about a year prior.

**Flashback**

_Blades were clashing, bodies were sweating and Snow was in the middle when Charming and Robin Hood fought for her. She looked like a lady on top of her little pony._

_Robin was obviously handier than Charming when it came to moving and using a sword and probably when it came to everything that would require physical activities. Snow couldn't deny that she was attracted to the thief, but Charming was her true love so she wouldn't leave him for Robin. She would just maybe have a short fling with him and be back in no time. _

_Charming moved forward and wildly poked around with his wooden sword so freaking wildly that Robin had to take a step back. The trained bowman stumbled into Snow's pony and the latter suddenly flew off of it and landed in a puddle of water. _

_Once Snow felt the water clinging to her body, she paddled around with her legs and arms. It kind of looked as if she tried to swim but failed in an astoundingly awkward manner. Well, she would have probably also failed if there was enough water to swim in… One way or another, it was just pathetic. _

_To top it all off, she started to scream in panic._

_Charming just eyed his wife in confusion while Robin was trying to hold in the laughter that was slowly making its way to his mouth. _

_Suddenly, Emma and Regina made their way through the bushes and joined the trio. The blonde had a few sticks in her angelic hair that she tried to desperately get rid of. The former Evil Queen just rolled her eyes at her girlfriend's clumsiness, but quickly eyed the body in the puddle of water. She had to immediately smirk and even started to laugh huskily. Emma looked up at the sound and gawked once she took in the attire of her mother._

_"Mum, what the fuck are you doing?" _

_"I CAN'T SWIM. I CAN'T SWIM. DARLING, HELP ME!" _

_Emma furrowed her brows and helped her mother out of the puddle. When Snow was on her own feet again, she narrowed her eyes and spoke up, eyeing Regina._

_"What have you two been up to in that bush?" _

_An awkward silence fell over all of them._

_"Did you kiss her?" Snow asked in both shock and anger._

_The brunette smirked devilishly at the other woman and even chuckled darkly. That seemed to be answer enough._

_"IT'S PORN!" Snow hissed loudly as she whipped out her sword and ran towards the former Evil Queen. _

_Emma instantly grabbed Regina's arm and dragged her away from her mother, sprinting towards the woods. _

_"RUN, REGINA, RUN!" The blonde yelled._

_Regina started to laugh breathily when she looked back for a second to see the woman with the pixie haircut, who was burning up with anger. _

_"STOP LAUGHING, YOU WITCH! WHY WERE YOU KISSING MY BABY?!" Snow screamed._

_The blonde of course noticed the shit-eating grin on her lover's face. Emma immediately ran faster and put her hand over Regina's mouth as she spoke up loudly._

_"Stop provoking her!"_

_Charming and Robin just eyed the scene, both terribly confused by it. The bowman seemed to be the first to find his voice._

_"It's so cool that your daughter has a dragoon tattoo as well."_

_Suddenly, Tinkerbell hopped out of nowhere, clearing up the situation. _

_"Shit, apparently there are more people with dragon tattoos. Maybe I should have just said that Regina's true love is also the Savior, but oh well…" _

_In that moment, Henry made his way through the bushes and screamed. _

_"TINK JUST SAID BUTT!" _

_And Tinkerbell just narrowed her eyes as she replied. _

_"And they already have a son together. Those witches are bitches." _

_All of a sudden, Ruby came out of nowhere and spoke up loudly with red panties on top of her head. _

_"SWAN QUEEN IS ENDGAME!"_

_"Hey, those panties belong to Emma!" Henry yelled at the wolf-girl. _

_Charming muttered silently, "Oh god, this is so gay. I love it." _

**FLASHBACK OVER**

"What I actually wanted to say is…" The woman with the pixie haircut spoke up again, eyeing the crowd.

"Regina is…" Before Snow finished her sentence though, purple smoke engulfed her.

She continued, standing in her apartment now and only looking at Hannah Mootana.

"…pregnant."

The cow drooled on the floor and brought out a quiet moo.

"Yeah, I know that you know." The brunette said to her crimson animal.

"Miss Blanchfart. Cream Poop." Regina greeted them as she appeared in the room as well.

She carried on after a second, eyeing Snow intently.

"My pregnancy is to be kept quiet for now. Do you understand?"

The woman with the pixie haircut gulped before she nodded slightly.

"Yes."

"Good. See you then, soon-to-be-aunt."

Purple smoke filled the apartment once more as Regina magicked herself away again.

**At the mansion**

Emma sat in front of her Playstation, pressing multiple buttons of her controller, unable to look away from the screen. Every now and then, she just had to think of her missed childhood memories and therefore wanted to make new ones. When the brunette and Henry were out of the house, she often neglected her household duties and instead just sat in front of the console. So Emma was more than glad that Regina had wanted to take care of her mother on her own.

She didn't notice when the door opened. Emma was too lost in the game and too lost in blasting away a song that somehow had a familiar rhythm. The blonde came up with the lyrics herself though.

Regina stared at her girlfriend and furrowed her brow.

"I came in like a Pokéball. Yeah, I just wanted to catch them all!"

The brunette cleared her throat and immediately snapped Emma out of her singing and being-a-child moment.

"What the fuck are you doing?" The mayor asked the blonde who swung around on a red and white stability ball that hung from the ceiling.

The younger woman suddenly dropped to the ground with a loud thud and a grumbling sound.

She picked herself up and looked into very pissed off dark pools of her lover. Emma grinned sheepishly, not really knowing how to talk herself out of this one.

When Henry entered the living room though, he instantly lit up and ran to the gigantic Pokéball. He giggled when he examined the thing.

"This is amazing. Can I try?" He asked his blonde mother who still looked slightly startled.

Emma just eyed the brunette and Henry followed her gaze. Regina's very unamused look spoke volumes and the boy sadly pouted. In that moment, the abilities and similarities of his birth mother were shining through.

Regina chuckled lightly and was quite astonished that he, for once, didn't say anything that contained the word 'butt'. She couldn't believe what she was even doing when she nodded her approval towards his proposal.

The boy clapped happily and jumped on top of the ball. He swung around as he started to sing.

"I came in like a wrecking ball!"

"Henry!"

His brunette mother hissed through gritted because she had been oblivious to the fact that he had actually seen the indecent video. However, she was a hundred percent sure that a flaxen-haired woman had most certainly something to do with it. She turned her attention to Emma once more and gave her the evil eye.

"What? It wasn't even me!" Emma yelled, looking offended.

**At Snow's: **

"I came in like a wrecking ball. I love animals and banggai cardinals!"

The woman with the pixie haircut blasted away, looking at her little zoo of animals that she had gotten from Ruby. The wolf girl's present was definitely better than the cow. Snow had feared though that the brunette would have given her some indecent underwear. That's why she hadn't opened it sooner.

Hannah Mootana mooed along loudly. Her banggai cardinalfish bubbled under water.

"I came in like a hairball. Yeah, I just wanted to get a booty call."

Snow sang to her little cat, which also came with Ruby's zoo and had nearly choked on a hairball. Miss Kitty would have had a wonderful fling if only that ball hadn't unpleasantly made its way to her throat.

"Next time, Kitty. Your true love tomcat will come!" Snow screamed.

Suddenly the animal lover's phone rang. Matter-of-factly she picked up.

"Snow's Zoo. What can I moo for you?"

"Have you let our son watch that hideous music video of one Miley Cyrus?" Regina spoke up angrily.

The woman with the pixie haircut was seriously confused as she answered.

"Who's Miley Cyrus?"

"Seriously? I thought you were watching Hannah Montana?"

"Yes. So what?"

"It's the same person!"

"Well, she definitely gets the best of both worlds. And to answer your question, yes I have. What are you going to do about it?"

"I will get revenge. Don't you worry about that, Miss Blanchfart."

And with that the line went dead.

"Oh, she's so pregnant. All of these hormones and stuff. It's getting crazy." Snow said as she eyed her cow.

Hannah Mootana nodded her approval.

* * *

**Thanks for reading!**


	5. Fat Amy and Regina's first encounter

**A/N: Well, here's a new chapter. I hope it makes you smile and laugh! Please tell me what you think. :)**

**Thanks to Sultry Sweet who did the beta work! And thanks to everyone who enjoys and reads this fic! **

* * *

**Chapter 5 – Miss Blanchfart featuring Fat Amy's holy contribution to Swan freaking CANON Queen**

Emma, Charming and Henry took Hannah Mootana for a walk and left the two other women in the mansion by themselves. The blonde felt weird about it in the beginning, especially due to the fact that her mother seemingly couldn't be trusted these days. Mary Margaret seemed to almost always smell unpleasantly and Regina had actually told her to stop acting as if Snow was on the run in the Enchanted Forest. She could simply take a shower and everything would be fine… The other woman apparently didn't listen. One way or another they were doomed to spend the next minutes or even hours with each other.

Snow cleared her throat and eyed the mayor who just stood in the kitchen. After a while, the woman with the pixie haircut decided to ask the question that had gone through her mind for quite some time.

"How did you and Emma actually get together?"

"To be honest, that is a rather long and unpleasant story."

"Oh, come on. It can't be that bad… I mean you got together anyway or even because of what had happened, right?"

"Miss Blanchfart, you are immensely annoying."

Regina huffed but continued nonetheless after a few seconds.

"Fine. I'll tell you, but only if you hold your– "

Snow jumped a little because of her excitement. She accidently farted when she hit the ground again. A few butterflies were suddenly filling the living room. The insects apparently made their way out of the woman's ass.

"Oh, what the fuck? Sometimes I really think that you're the one who's pregnant." The former Evil Queen hissed and looked at the colorful butterflies in annoyance.

"I'm so sorry. Please tell the story! I'm totally listening."

The brunette rolled her eyes and quickly spread perfume. After the unpleasant smell was almost fully gone, Regina spoke up again.

"Well, dear, it started last year…"

**_Last year_**

Regina was desperately searching for a babysitter for Henry since the hideous Charmings were making several 'baby-making' – trips and Emma seemed to be occupied by the idiocy of the stinky pirate. The mayor just wanted to go on a few dates. It had been a really long time since the brunette was sexually engaged and she really missed physical affinity.

Emma was at the Sheriff's station at that moment, taking care of Ruby who had apparently made an 'indecent' move towards Belle according to Rumple. The Sheriff knew though that Rumple just couldn't deal with the fact that Belle had willingly made love to the wolf girl several times now and most certainly had no interest in a wrinkled, old guy anymore.

Matter-of-factly, the brunette had to interview potential babysitters for her little prince by herself. Emma knew that that had probably been a bad idea because there couldn't be anyone that Regina thought that would be good enough for the job. However, she couldn't just leave Ruby in the hands of a very pissed Gold. Furthermore, the blonde was still very pissed that Regina would go on dates with weird guys or women… She wouldn't dare to say that out loud though. The blonde just wouldn't say that she belonged to the mayor like a fish to the sea and that she desperately wanted to take her out.

The mayor opened the door to let the first candidate in. In front of the brunette stood a rather chubby girl with a blonde ponytail who wore a pink shirt and blue jeans. To Regina she kind of looked like a fat Barbie.

The former Evil Queen spoke up while trying hard to appear polite.

"Come in, please."

The girl immediately followed the older woman through the entry area and to the living room. She dropped down on the couch across from Regina.

"So what's the boy's name?"

Regina blinked a few times. This girl was weird. Should she not introduce herself first?

"His name is Henry."

"Harry?"

"It's Henry."

The brunette gave the other woman an evil eye and definitely started to get really pissed.

"Hairy?"

"YOU ARE HAIRY, YOU IMBECILE! IT'S HENRY!" Regina yelled at the fucking annoying candidate and the artery on her forehead nearly exploded.

"Okay, okay. Chillax, lady. Henry is a cool name. I once had a brother whose name was Henry, but he fell from a roof because he didn't get the concept of gravity." The fat girl replied in a bored manner.

The brunette blinked a few times, but immediately calmed down a little. She wrinkled her forehead and gave a response. "That is a lovely story even if I have no idea what any of this is supposed to mean."

"People in Tasmania are weird… except for me of course. I'm awesome." The girl suddenly beamed at the mayor as her white teeth were sparkling.

Regina almost had to cover her eyes because of their brightness.

"I also happen to be the best singer in Tasmania… with teeth."

"I see." The brunette replied being rather annoyed than impressed.

The girl on the couch seemed to remember what she actually came here for and that she should probably introduce herself.

"My name's Fat Amy, by the way."

The mayor furrowed her brows.

"What? Why?"

Regina had no idea what the fuck was wrong with the blonde who sat across from her. She just eyed the girl in utter confusion.

"So twig bitches like you don't call me that behind my back."

The former Evil Queen nearly stared the girl to the death and hissed through gritted teeth.

"Did you just call me skinny?"

Fat Amy just contorted her face and eyed her nails as her stomach grumbled loudly. She decided to speak after another while of silence that was only filled with the blonde's tummy growling and Regina's death staring.

"I'm hunry."

"IT'S HENRY!" The mayor shouted at the blonde, still infuriated with the stupidity in front of her.

Regina was most definitely not a twig. Her body was pure perfection.

"No, I meant I'm hungry. Don't you have anything to eat, like a burrito or something?"

The brunette eyed the girl with a very pissed off expression on her face and huffed before she replied. The artery on her forehead was still throbbing a little because of her constant anger towards the other woman.

"Apples?"

The former Evil Queen raised one eyebrow and smirked at the fat blonde girl. She just wanted to finally get rid of the imbecile in front of her. Fat Amy was most certainly not fit for the job. The brunette hoped that the dumb girl would at least take one bite of one of her sinfully delicious apples. One bite would be enough to tear Regina out of this misery.

"Ugh…" The blonde just crinkled her nose at the thought of something that actually contained vitamins and was considered healthy.

"An apple pie?" The former Evil Queen would definitely not give up that quickly.

"Oh yeah! I will finish it like a cheese cake." Fat Amy screamed in happiness and grinned at the brunette.

"Excuse me?" Regina just eyed the awkward girl with an annoyed look on her face.

"Just give me the apple pie."

"As you wish, dear." The former Evil Queen grinned devilishly.

**Back in the present**

Snow coughed a few times as she interrupted Regina. She spoke up in a small voice.

"Did you kill the girl? And what – for the love of the tufted titmouse – does that have to do with you and Emma?"

The brunette groaned, clearly sick of the stupid animal hugger and cleared her throat before she replied.

"Hold your horses, dear!"

"Which horses? You know that I only own a lovely red cow." Snow reasoned as she contorted her face in confusion. She slightly smiled after that though because she was immediately thinking about Hannah Mootana.

Regina rolled her eyes and inhaled deeply as she simply ignored the dumb statement of the butterfly pooper.

She muttered under her breath.

"I blame the genes."

"What?"

"Nothing, love. Where was I? Oh, yes. I had prepared a delicious cake for that girl, which she apparently had enjoyed very much considering her rather loud and manner-less eating. After minutes of eating several pieces…"

**_A year ago – Minutes of "eating several pieces of the delicious apple pie" later _**

A lifeless body lay in the mansion when Emma made her way in. To get into the house, she used the keys that Henry had given her.

"Regina, are you there? How was… OH GOD! A BEACHED WHALE! SOMEONE CALL GREEN PEACE!"

The body began to roll over and the well-built blonde stared into the face of a very shocked Emma.

"Hey, who are you, skinny love?" The girl smiled widely at the other blonde and showed off her teeth.

"I – um – I – am Emma. Who the fuck are you?"

Before Fat Amy could reply, Regina came around the corner and eyed both women, looking as sassy and sexy as ever. Once she made her way to one specific blonde, the one standing at the door, a smirk grazed her face and her body instantly burned with desire.

"Miss Swan, what are you doing here?"

Regina spoke in a very annoyed kind of manner while her blood was boiling up at the sight and her heart was racing a hundred times quicker than normally. She might have also bitten her bottom lip very seductively.

"I – um – I …"

Emma stared into the dark orbs of the beauty before her and had a hard time finding appropriate words… just like almost always recently when it came to the mayor.

The girl on the floor just eyed the duo intensely and her jaw slowly made its way to the floor. What was displayed in front of her was obviously the best eye sex ever. She felt herself getting quite aroused, just from watching. Somehow the very famous poet Ludacris made its way into her head, silently whispering… _and why do you think you take a ho to a hotel? Hotel everybody, even the mayor. _They weren't in a freaking hotel, though.

That was when the real bickering started.

"I just wanted to see if you have already murdered a babysitting candidate." The blonde finally found her voice.

"I would not do such a thing."

"Well, that's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard."

"I'm pretty sure that's not true." The mayor countered and teasingly smirked at the Sheriff.

"Okay, fine."

After a few seconds of staring into each other's souls and nearly undressing one another, Emma managed to say something again.

"Could we have dinner on Friday? I mean – um – to discuss some things for the sake of Henry, of course."

"Miss Swan, since when do you want to include me – the apparent source of every atrocity ever committed – in the life of my own son?" The question was just slightly sarcastic.

Emma struggled to find words for a moment and while her mind was obviously overstraining itself, the chubby blonde used her chance to say something.

Fat Amy suddenly chimed in and startled both of them. "Lesbihonest."

The two instantly stared at the fat girl, still lying on the floor in the living room, and Fat Amy just smiled sheepishly. When they locked eyes with each other again, Emma was the first one to speak up.

"Please, Regina, I would really love to spend time with you… and Henry." She quickly added.

Fat Amy mumbled, only barely audible. "Whoop, there it is."

The mayor moved forward and looked deep into sparkling emerald eyes that burned with a desire that only chocolate-brown eyes could ignite. Regina gulped and willingly pressed her swollen lips on the blonde's. The former Evil Queen knew that she couldn't blame it on any alcohol in her veins, but something pulled her towards the blonde's lips. And _something_ was throbbing in her veins even if it wasn't booze.

Fat Amy definitely thought that all of this was way too gay. It just screamed "lesbian" at her and she couldn't hold her sexual frustration in any longer. She adored love stories of ladies even if the one about her friends didn't work out. _"Why did everyone always talk about 'bitch perfect' anyway?"_ She asked herself for a second.

They had been nakedly singing in the shower together. If that wasn't enough of a sign for their 'lesbianitis' than she didn't know what else could be. The blonde quickly made an internal plan of getting her singing companions together.

The two in front of her, making out, were just so fucking cute and sexy. Little adorable puppies wouldn't even have a chance against them. In addition, puppies weren't hot… they didn't cause a pussy to throb.

"I've gotta gay. GO! I've gotta go."

Fat Amy took off, a soft pink settling on her cheeks because Emma and Regina were already half naked.

**Back in the present**

"What? You had unmarried sex and robbed my precious little daughter of her virginity?!"

"Excuse me, dear? I lately assume very strongly that your farts are more intelligent than you are."

"I don't fart! I just happen to produce lovely butterflies." She smiled innocently, but Regina contorted her face because of the awkward smell that just wouldn't go away. The mayor had unfortunately emptied her air conditioner… She definitely needed a new one rather soon.

"Your cow has a more pleasant smell, darling."

All of a sudden, Hannah Mootana stood in the middle of the living room and mooed loudly. The crimson cow drooled on the floor and gained herself a death glare from Regina.

"If it wasn't for Emma, I would make a delicious roast beef out of you."

The animal's eyes almost popped out of its head as it eyed the former Evil Queen and immediately sucked back in its slobber.

It instantly smelled like shit in the apartment.

"WHAT THE HELL! MARY BLANCHFART! HAVE YOU SHITTED YOUR PANTS AGAIN OR WHERE IS THIS ACRID SMELL COMING FROM?!"

All at once, Charming came out of nowhere and looked sheepishly at his wife.

"She's so adorable, especially when she wears her brown underwear. And oh look!" He continued as he watched the butterflies that suddenly flooded the whole house. "Butterflies."

Henry suddenly appeared out of nowhere just as well and screamed.

"REGINA JUST SAID SHIT."

"Hush, I did not say 'shit', darling." Regina replied, being annoyed with the whole situation.

The blonde was the next, who entered the mansion and cheekily grinned. Emma spoke up right after the brunette had finished her sentence.

"REGINA JUST SAID SHIT!"

Henry gave his blonde mother a high five and giggled happily.

Regina just smirked at her two idiotic favorite persons in the world and smiled at them. She couldn't possibly be mad at them for more than four seconds. The brunette consequently gave her girlfriend a peck on the lips.

Last but not least, Fat Amy instantly came out of the refrigerator, covered in what seemed like chocolate, and suddenly said.

"Even though some of you are pretty thin, you all have fart hearts… I mean fat hearts and that's what matters."


End file.
